Magnificently Monégasque
After ten weeks of testing our new home to its limits, we arrive at our last few days exploring the opulent and prosperous principality of Monaco. Having feasted and gambled the previous night away, the dazzlingly bright morning light afforded us an excellent opportunity to discover what the microstate was all about before the glitzy casinos and extravagant cocktail bars open their well-bouncered doors. With calves the size of Chris Hoy having been forced to hike a minor Alpine peak to get to and from our lofty camping location each day, we barely broke a sweat while descending the precipitous path to the city for the final time, that was until we saw the price of a single bottle of Pauillac Lafite Rothschild from the local corner shop…
By day, the principality is transformed from an ostentatious, hedonistic, gambler’s utopia into something that resembles a ‘normal’ city, with professional chihuahua walkers lining the well-pebbled pavements and little Monégasque kids greeting their gloved chauffeurs with high fives on the morning school run. Upon reaching the glistening shoreline, we set about striding the entire length of the nation, which sounds far more impressive than it actually is. Starting at Monaco’s most easterly point, which is dominated by 5-star hotels, exclusive beachside bars, and less character than Briton Ferry Working Men’s Club, we ambled from construction site to construction site as the city continues to construct upward and outward, reclaiming large chunks of land from the Mediterranean in the process.
It wasn’t long before we joined the famous F1 street circuit, passing the illustrious Fairmont Hairpin, notorious Tunnel Larvotto, and glittering Port Hercule for the final time, where some of the grandest and likeliest yachts to be seized by the authorities are anchored – for now. At the centre of the harbourside lies the iconic Stade Nautique Rainier III Swimming Pool although, given the time of year of our visit, was temporarily home to a bustling ice-skating rink. Deciding not to test our frail knees, we grabbed the cheapest meal we could find, an oily margarita pizza from a nearby corner shop café, and parked ourselves on a bench adjacent to the waterfront overlooking a superfluity of supercars and a multitude of million-dollar mega yachts and wondered where we had gone so wrong in our lives?
As we reached the great western reaches of the country, some three minutes later, we began to encounter groups of what must be the quietest and politest football fans I had ever seen, as they returned from watching Monaco play in the nearby stadium. Yes, despite its extremely diminutive size, there is a ground capable of hosting top-level French football matches, as well as athletic meets and the annual Festival of Clowning, within its highly constricted borders. In fact, so constricted are they that one side of the stadium delineates the territorial border with France. I doubt there are many other places on earth where stepping through a turnstile transports you to a separate sovereign state, but this is Monaco.
And so, our magnificent Monégasque meander came to an end, as had our budget and the remaining space in our toilet – we needed to move on. Whilst not somewhere I would consider returning to in a great hurry, it was fascinating to discover what makes the most densely populated nation on earth tick. From colossal yachts to lavish casinos, it is impossible to hide the vast wealth that simply oozes out of every orifice of the city – which isn’t to everyone’s taste. However, if you have decided to make Monaco your next destination, chances are you’re not too bothered about splashing the cash and indulging yourself in luxurious surroundings for a few days and, in all honesty, this makes far more sense than pulling up in a builder’s van and attempting to make ends meet.
Thus concludes the final report from our first foray in Vishnu – and what a trip it has been! From the sun-kissed shores of the Portuguese coast to the high Pyrenean passes of Andorra, our near three-month expedition taught us many valuable lessons about living and working in a six-by-two-metre box on wheels. Although, despite the many stumbling blocks we have encountered along the way, including a lack of heating or hot running water for the vast majority of our journey, the one thing we are both certain of is that not only is this way of work and life feasible, it is most definitely preferable. I think we have finally settled upon affording ourselves the most hallowed and cringeworthy of all nomadic titles: we are, officially, vanlifers. Huzzah!
J
